I was once told by my stepmom that my gift is being able to find the beauty in just about everything, whether it be in the form of a pair of Choos or a pile of oranges at Whole Foods. ;) Even in the worst of times, I can typically find something that is beautiful. But to be totally honest, I'm having a really difficult time finding goodness right now, despite this being the "most wonderful time of the year."
That being said, I'm making an honest effort to look deeply into myself for beauty right now. For a very, very long time, I have focused on others and external things to care for, often neglecting myself in the process. While it wouldn't appear that way in a physical or material sense (I certainly more than provide for myself in that manner), my heart has been aching. I have a great capacity to love others, but to love myself? Not so easy.
My yoga instructor said something so simple yesterday, and yet so profound. Before you take on the weight of the world, you must strengthen your own back (literally and figuratively). In yoga, "namaste" is a term used to acknowledge the soul and goodness of another person... the light within someone else, and the light within yourself. I have been incredibly lucky to have seen the light in another person. That has been an absolute gift to me, one that I am grateful for. But like my twinnn has said numerous times, it is essential that I find the light in Taylor.
I'm the type of person that always has a philosophy on life... about why things happen the way they do, about what the next logical step should be. Well, I don't have an answer this time. I cannot understand why things have happened. I don't know what is to come next. I'm sad and I'm very, very hurt. But I do hold these truths to be self-evident: I have shown love to another human being with complete vulnerability and honesty. I have laughed. I have cried. And I will continue to show love to this world, even when I feel that there is little reason to.
I spent this weekend surrounded by close family, without makeup, wearing sweats, watching old movies. I ran six miles. I took a Vinyasa class. I tried to focus on me, but I don't know when I'll feel better. I'd be lying if I posted one of my typical "Taylorism" bullshit lines, because I don't know what I believe in right now. For now, all I can do is take my life day by day. Pray that I will be happy again. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. But someday. Because like I've always maintained, life is too short to be anything but happy.
Namaste
xx
