What It's Like to Be a Motherless Daughter

For the most part, I'm just like any other girl that's just starting out in life. But then there are moments- random ones, usually- that will occasionally hit me. Times like now, at 1:41 AM on a random rainy Tuesday that I can't sleep. I don't really talk about it... I pride myself on being strong and capable, the girl that takes care of everyone else.
But sometimes I just need my mom.

Picking out pots and pans (and everything else) for my first place. Having someone tell me I'm ridiculous for buying the 4" Louboutins that I clearly can't walk in. Trying to figure out how to NOT burn cookies in an oven that undoubtedly burns everything. It's the little things. I want to know what she would think of where I'm at in this stage of my life. Did she feel the same uncertainty that I feel at this age? I want to share with her how excited I was when I got back from New York, or how it felt the first time I saw my design work in print. I'd want to see her reaction to seeing me in the music video. I know she'd be so excited to hear about an amazing deal I got at TJ Maxx, or the details of a great date, or a gorgeous lip color I'd finally found. It just seems that the loss becomes more apparent as I grow older... and it seems to me that her absence will be felt even more as I grow up, get married and have my babies. What advice would she give me? What would she want me to know? And truthfully, how the hell am I supposed to figure this all out on my own?

For the most part, I have learned how to figure it out on my own... which has made me a stronger, wiser person. But I'd be lying if I said it's been easy. I have friends who barely know how to do laundry; I've been a pro since I was 12. I worry about my dad eating properly. Yet I feel things in a way that most people my age don't; giving me a sensitivity and compassion that I am grateful for. I've also been blessed with amazing family and friends that have become like family to me. But I'm not going to sugarcoat the truth: the occasional moments of realization of what I'm missing... what she's missing makes me sad. A mother can never be replaced; not at age 3. Not at age 24.

No silver lining in this post. No cute little inspirational quote. Just truth.

An Open Letter to my 18-Year-Old Self

Time is an incredible thing. Hindsight is one of the benefits of time, offering a perspective that is only gained through the experience of challenge and success... and everything in between. As my "baby" cousin approaches her eighteenth birthday and high school graduation, I've decided to share an open letter to my 18-year-old self. I could play the big sister card (like I usually do) and offer advice about life, college, love, about starting her career... but I'm a firm believer that each and every experience we take from life shapes us. We all have different stories, and all we can do is deal with the cards we're dealt. By sharing my own story, I hope that she (and you) can take away a bit of my own experiences.

I'm so very, very proud of you, Little!

Left to Right: May 2012 and Summer 1994

Dear 18-Year-Old Tay,

You think you've got it all figured out, don't you? Your college is chosen, you've decided upon a major, and you've been with your high school sweetheart for a few years. You rocked that sparkly dress at prom, nailed that Senior Exit Project speech, and your graduation dinner party is planned. You've followed most of the rules, and have earned the title of being "the good girl" for a reason. It's all going to pay off... that graduation trip of yours is proof of that, right? (Pretty sure all of your bikinis are packed for the Virgin Islands... by the way, you'll never wear the brown one. Save your money.) But let's be honest here... you don't feel like you have it all figured out. It's actually a very uncertain time- is this really the college you want to go to? Will you really find a career path you love? Most importantly, will you be happy?

 Me at 18

Five years later, I'm proud to say you're going to feel pretty proud of the things you are going to achieve in the next few years. But hold off on that thought; don't get ahead of yourself and believe for one second that this journey you're about to embark on is going to be easy. It isn't. Truth be told, there are going to be some moments that will simply suck. Get used to this idea now, because you're about to be strapped into one giant rollercoaster on this thing called life. You have the controls, FYI... just realize you won't know you have them until later.

Naturally, you're probably going to want to have some inspiration of what to expect in the new few years... that's just part of your self-improving nature. Like those quotes you collect in that school planner of yours, you will still be collecting little words of wisdom in five years. It will be in the form of a website called Twitter or through things you call Taylorisms on your blog (you'll have one of those, by the way), but it's still your way of collecting inspiration. Don't lose that drive to strive for a better self- it makes you who you are today, and will shape you more into the woman you become. You see so much beauty in this world, but you often underestimate yourself and haven't allowed yourself to express this. You may be soft-spoken, but you have a strong voice. Use it.

Speaking of which, let's get it established that you're going to change your major several times. Needless to say, always go after what your heart tells you to do. The calc and stats classes might seem difficult, but you'll survive. You're going to love the core classes you take your senior year...  and you'll end up doing your final research paper in college on the business model of Hermès. Really. Once you get that diploma, you will find yourself learning even more in your first job. Work REALLY hard, learn everything you possibly can in those long hours, and realize that you will ultimately end up in an even better position from the knowledge and experience. Trust that someday you will be doing what you love each and every day with a team that is just as creative as you are. You will love your job... how many people can truly say that?

As far as friends go, you'll actually remain close with several of them from high school. The rest you'll only see though posts on Facebook; which will someday be so popular that your dad will have an account. Seriously. That being said, you will also meet some amazing friends in college, many of them being from all over the world. As you've always done, carefully choose the people around you and make sure they have good hearts. Each person you meet is in your life for a purpose; learn from each person, and also try to show them how beautiful this world is through your actions and your words. You're going to have another best friend, FYI- you'll see her around campus carrying the same Louis Vuitton bag. (And yes, that means you'll own multiple designer bags... but somehow you'll also become less materialistic. You'll realize things don't really matter in the next few years.)

Love will continue to be something you base your life on. Never let that change. Though you might be with your boyfriend for several years after high school graduation, it isn't going to last forever. You will be fine- not just because you end things, but because you have the courage to do what's right for you. Pump your own gas, be okay with spending time alone, and know that you'll meet someone incredible. Because you will. There might be a detour along the way (chai tea lattes will be the catalyst), but you'll find yourself wiser and stronger as a result. Love with your entire heart... it always, always, always wins. I might not know it all, but this I can promise you.

Family is important to you, so be sure to visit both grandmothers often. Both of their health will decline quickly, so really take in their wisdom. You will lose Grandma Elaine and it will be difficult for you; be sure to cherish those holiday meals together. You will miss those someday. Realize that family is the core of who you are, and they will support you through every step of the way. Be a role model for your cousins, particularly Maya. You will see more of yourself in your "little" than you could ever imagine... lead by example.

 May 2007

"There are little eyes upon you
and they're watching night and day.
There are little ears that quickly
take in every word you say."

Be good, be kind, and do all things with love. Have faith in yourself, and that you will have the strength and courage to do what is right. Have faith in God, because there is a plan in everything that lies ahead. Five years from now, you won't have it all together; but trust that you're going to live a life you love. Be passionate about each and every thing you do, and find the magic in the little moments. Never, ever forget how blessed you are.

Life is so worth celebrating... so do it right and get going, little girl.

 

P.S. Keep rocking that bow in your hair. It's going to play a bigger role in your life than you expect. ;)

Namaste

  

 

I was once told by my stepmom that my gift is being able to find the beauty in just about everything, whether it be in the form of a pair of Choos or a pile of oranges at Whole Foods. ;) Even in the worst of times, I can typically find something that is beautiful. But to be totally honest, I'm having a really difficult time finding goodness right now, despite this being the "most wonderful time of the year." 

That being said, I'm making an honest effort to look deeply into myself for beauty right now. For a very, very long time, I have focused on others and external things to care for, often neglecting myself in the process. While it wouldn't appear that way in a physical or material sense (I certainly more than provide for myself in that manner), my heart has been aching. I have a great capacity to love others, but to love myself? Not so easy. 

My yoga instructor said something so simple yesterday, and yet so profound. Before you take on the weight of the world, you must strengthen your own back (literally and figuratively). In yoga, "namaste" is a term used to acknowledge the soul and goodness of another person... the light within someone else, and the light within yourself. I have been incredibly lucky to have seen the light in another person. That has been an absolute gift to me, one that I am grateful for. But like my twinnn has said numerous times, it is essential that I find the light in Taylor.

I'm the type of person that always has a philosophy on life... about why things happen the way they do, about what the next logical step should be. Well, I don't have an answer this time. I cannot understand why things have happened. I don't know what is to come next. I'm sad and I'm very, very hurt. But I do hold these truths to be self-evident: I have shown love to another human being with complete vulnerability and honesty. I have laughed. I have cried. And I will continue to show love to this world, even when I feel that there is little reason to.

I spent this weekend surrounded by close family, without makeup, wearing sweats, watching old movies. I ran six miles. I took a Vinyasa class. I tried to focus on me, but I don't know when I'll feel better. I'd be lying if I posted one of my typical "Taylorism" bullshit lines, because I don't know what I believe in right now. For now, all I can do is take my life day by day. Pray that I will be happy again. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. But someday. Because like I've always maintained, life is too short to be anything but happy.

Namaste

xx

Official Taylorism #7

I've been a little overwhelmed lately, feeling like I've been hit with one blow after another. Before I went to bed the other night, I decided to make a list of simple things that bring me happiness, because it's easy to get wrapped up in negativity and forget about the good stuff. This was meant to just stay in a random file in my laptop, but sometimes remembering the beauty in life gets you through less-than beautiful times. This post is totally random, but maybe it will get you thinking about the things that personally bring happiness to YOU. So many things in life to be grateful for, it's just a matter of recognizing and appreciating them.

A few of my favorite things... 

Sunbathing

The scent of the ocean

Orchids

Skinny jeans that hit the hipbones just right

A classic, practical designer bag
Typography

Heavenly Scent Herb Farm
Walks with Big

Heart-to-hearts with my twinnn
Puppy cuddles with Hunter

Simple gold pendant necklaces
Handwritten cards

Boyfriend watches

Glossy nude-colored lip gloss
Girly movies with Meghann
My SLR camera
 Cableknit anything

Swimming in the ocean

The distinct chime sound of BBM

New magazines in the mailbox

Caldrea's Sea Salt Neroli candle

Bond No. 9 fragrances

Sleeping in on Sunday mornings

Classic, old Hollywood films

Sex and the City
Linen EVERYTHING
The perfect bronzer (NARS Laguna)
Cuddling

Breakfast at Afternoon Delight with Nana

Really dark, pigmented black eyeliner
New photos of my baby niece, Zadie
Baking cupcakes with my little cousin, Maya
Biggby's nonfat chai lattes
Beveled mirrors
The feeling of holding hands for the first time
The glow of the Christmas tree for the first time of the season
Driving with my "Feel Good" iPad playlist
Books
Shopping with Teri
Picking (and eating!) fresh raspberries
Laughing until you cry
Hugs from my grandma
The storybook trees in Central Park

Long fitted sweaters
Going barefoot as much as possible
Tailgating in the fall
Dancing the night away
Laguna Beach, California
The contrast of the blue water and white architecture in Greece
Pastel bikinis
The predictability of "My pleasure" responses at The Ritz-Carlton
Sushi
Restoration of Detroit
White-washed furniture
Being bombarded with hugs when I'd walk into work as a preschool teacher
Photos of loved ones
My tattoos
Pinterest (my latest obsession, follow me!)

xx

Grandfatherly Gentility

"A great architect is not made by way of a brain nearly so much as he is made by way of a cultivated, enriched heart." -Frank Lloyd Wright

My grandfather was the epitome of an old-school gentleman; well-dressed, well-spoken, the first to rush to open a door. Despite coming from an affluent background, he came to the United States entirely on his own, building a name for himself as a successful architect. My grandfather did not rely on his family's wealth or name, but rather viewed work ethic and education as a means to success. He was an incredible man with a gentle spirit, and the way he treated my grandmother certainly set the stage for what I would eventually expect from the man in my life. Chivalry is far undervalued in today's society, which makes the gentlemen stand out by leaps and bounds. Chivalry is not entirely dead, and I love that.

This menswear look (via The Style Blogger) absolutely encompasses my grandfather's style, even down to the woven Guatemalan belt. Ah, the sweetness of nostalgia.

Te amo, Papa.

xx