What It's Like to Be a Motherless Daughter

For the most part, I'm just like any other girl that's just starting out in life. But then there are moments- random ones, usually- that will occasionally hit me. Times like now, at 1:41 AM on a random rainy Tuesday that I can't sleep. I don't really talk about it... I pride myself on being strong and capable, the girl that takes care of everyone else.
But sometimes I just need my mom.

Picking out pots and pans (and everything else) for my first place. Having someone tell me I'm ridiculous for buying the 4" Louboutins that I clearly can't walk in. Trying to figure out how to NOT burn cookies in an oven that undoubtedly burns everything. It's the little things. I want to know what she would think of where I'm at in this stage of my life. Did she feel the same uncertainty that I feel at this age? I want to share with her how excited I was when I got back from New York, or how it felt the first time I saw my design work in print. I'd want to see her reaction to seeing me in the music video. I know she'd be so excited to hear about an amazing deal I got at TJ Maxx, or the details of a great date, or a gorgeous lip color I'd finally found. It just seems that the loss becomes more apparent as I grow older... and it seems to me that her absence will be felt even more as I grow up, get married and have my babies. What advice would she give me? What would she want me to know? And truthfully, how the hell am I supposed to figure this all out on my own?

For the most part, I have learned how to figure it out on my own... which has made me a stronger, wiser person. But I'd be lying if I said it's been easy. I have friends who barely know how to do laundry; I've been a pro since I was 12. I worry about my dad eating properly. Yet I feel things in a way that most people my age don't; giving me a sensitivity and compassion that I am grateful for. I've also been blessed with amazing family and friends that have become like family to me. But I'm not going to sugarcoat the truth: the occasional moments of realization of what I'm missing... what she's missing makes me sad. A mother can never be replaced; not at age 3. Not at age 24.

No silver lining in this post. No cute little inspirational quote. Just truth.

Laughing on the Great Earth: My Tattoo Story

  

 A year ago today, I was tattooed for the very first time... something that I still can't believe I actually did, even when I look down at my foot. I'm pretty selective when it comes to pretty much everything, so the fact that I even went through with this says something about its meaning. As I've mentioned before, we lost my mom to cancer when I was a little girl. She loved a poem by Pulitzer-winning poet Gary Snyder, and when she passed away, my dad made sure the final line was engraved on her gravestone. Everything I know about my mom and the way she lived her life is reflected in it: "Laughing on the Great Earth."

From all appearances, I'm not the type of girl that you'd expect would have a tattoo. While I'm creative, I'm definitely more Charlotte York than Kat Von D. ;) Nonetheless, the seed for this tattoo had been planted years ago, but I suddenly got the courage to actually go ahead with it last summer.

I began researching typefaces, and played with placement for about a month. I decided on the lower part of my left foot, choosing a place that was both elegant and inconspicuous. I chose 'English' for the typeface, a classic script that I frequently use in this blog. Both the font and placement were really, really important to me, as I wanted it to be understated and feminine.

I remember being so nervous as I tried to stomach a pre-tattoo brunch with my oldest friend, Meghann. I had heard that the pain was especially rough on the foot, but it didn't matter at that point. My mind was made up. Going to be totally honest here... getting this tattoo wasn't fun. It hurt. A lot. That part of your foot is literally skin and bones, and I definitely remember having the brief impulse of running out with "laughing" on my foot. (Ohhh, the irony in that. haha.)

I had tears in my eyes pretty much the entire time, but I couldn't have been more happy when it was all over. It was beautiful. It was feminine. And it meant so, so much to me.

 

 

With every step I take, I have a reminder of someone that is still very much a part of me,
and who inspired me to live my life to the fullest.

xx

What I Know For Certain...

Yesterday would have been my mom's 51st birthday. She passed away 20 years ago last month from a malignant brain tumor. She was just thirty. My mom was a force of nature; a woman that left a legacy because of her genuine fire and beauty. Despite the fact that I was just three when she passed, I feel that her story and energy continues to give me strength, even as a 23-year-old woman. This is what her life (and untimely death) has ultimately taught me, and what I try to live my life based on.

Live with intention.
Life is precious. You get once chance... ONE. Make the most of it. My mom is the greatest example of someone that made every single day count. My mom did what she loved; without regret, without fear, without second thought. The world is a great big place that is to be discovered and cherished.

Live passionately.
Feel what brings you fire, what makes you come alive... and then use that as a compass to follow your dreams. Like my mom, I'm a big believer in "do it big, or go home." For me, there is no middle ground; I'll either put my heart and soul into something/someone, or I won't invest anything at all. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and maybe that's put me at a greater risk for pain; but I'm certain that pain is worth the risk of living truthfully and with passion.


Live with heart.
Love is the only thing that makes life worthwhile. End of story.

Live with honesty. 
With truth, there is freedom. Tell people how you feel about them, even at the risk of rejection. Perhaps what is so amazing about my mom's legacy is how she left her mark on such a vast amount of people. I still have strangers approach me and tell me how my mom made a difference in their lives. In the words of John Mayer, "It's better to say too much, than never say what you need to say again."

Live without fear.
My mom lived without fear. This is something I struggle with; being fearful of failure, of intimidating situations, of feeling like I might never amount to enough. Recently, I started to lose these fears by choosing to face them head-on; there's no better way to lose fear than to look it in the eye. Fear can paralyze you from getting what you want and reaching your full potential... and I care too much about my dreams to let that happen.


Live in beauty.
My mom possessed an external beauty that stood out in a room full of people. My grandma loves to tell me the story of how a man once stopped her in the mall to tell her that my mom was the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen. Perhaps what is much more valuable is the fact that my mom possessed an internal beauty that surpassed the external. My mom had been a model in her early twenties, modeling in New York and in California. She enjoyed designer clothes and getting dolled up, but it didn't make her who she was. Her beauty came from the lives she touched as a psychologist, from being a loving wife, from being a devoted mother, from being a friend that would drop everything to help. She found the beauty in this life and embraced it. This is something that I carry with me everyday.

There is beauty in everything... if only your eyes are open to it.

xx