For the most part, I'm just like any other girl that's just starting out in life. But then there are moments- random ones, usually- that will occasionally hit me. Times like now, at 1:41 AM on a random rainy Tuesday that I can't sleep. I don't really talk about it... I pride myself on being strong and capable, the girl that takes care of everyone else.
But sometimes I just need my mom.
Picking out pots and pans (and everything else) for my first place. Having someone tell me I'm ridiculous for buying the 4" Louboutins that I clearly can't walk in. Trying to figure out how to NOT burn cookies in an oven that undoubtedly burns everything. It's the little things. I want to know what she would think of where I'm at in this stage of my life. Did she feel the same uncertainty that I feel at this age? I want to share with her how excited I was when I got back from New York, or how it felt the first time I saw my design work in print. I'd want to see her reaction to seeing me in the music video. I know she'd be so excited to hear about an amazing deal I got at TJ Maxx, or the details of a great date, or a gorgeous lip color I'd finally found. It just seems that the loss becomes more apparent as I grow older... and it seems to me that her absence will be felt even more as I grow up, get married and have my babies. What advice would she give me? What would she want me to know? And truthfully, how the hell am I supposed to figure this all out on my own?
For the most part, I have learned how to figure it out on my own... which has made me a stronger, wiser person. But I'd be lying if I said it's been easy. I have friends who barely know how to do laundry; I've been a pro since I was 12. I worry about my dad eating properly. Yet I feel things in a way that most people my age don't; giving me a sensitivity and compassion that I am grateful for. I've also been blessed with amazing family and friends that have become like family to me. But I'm not going to sugarcoat the truth: the occasional moments of realization of what I'm missing... what she's missing makes me sad. A mother can never be replaced; not at age 3. Not at age 24.
No silver lining in this post. No cute little inspirational quote. Just truth.
This is beautifully written Taylor. There is so much that I could say in response but I'll just say now that your writing about your loss, and your mother's loss, and most importantly, CONTINUING to write about it is precisely what heals you. Not a healing once and for all--you know that's not possible, as the pain will always resurface and at the most unexpected moments. But the way you embrace that loss and articulate it, that is what is so healing, for yourself and for others. I think you have the beginnings of a book here, I really do. Your honesty and wisdom shines through your specificity. It breaks my heart but somehow makes it whole as well. You remind me of what a poet once wrote: "Say it clearly and you make it beautiful, no matter what."
ReplyDeleteI love you Tay. Your mother is alive in you. I see and hear that more with every passing year.
there's nothing i can say. i wish i could give you a massive hug.
ReplyDeleteI'm just now catching up on your blog posts, and this one blew me away. Even though its been over a month since you published it, I just had to comment. This is absolutely beautifully written. Even though my mother is still alive I can relate to this post so very much.
ReplyDeleteHUGS