May Update

 

May has been a very special month. Between an impromptu trip to southern California and a great little birthday surrounded by loved ones, life has been so sweet. I'm a lucky girl.

On the beauty end, my hair is longer than its ever been in my life, but I just added a few layers that also double as side-swept bangs. After taking over a year to grow out my blunt bangs, I was a bit nervous to cut anything at all, but I'm happy I did. A little spring update is always a good thing! :)

A Tribute to One of the Last Ladies

"A beautiful lady is an accident of nature. A beautiful old lady is a work of art."

God has a random, ironic way of putting in front of you what's important in the most unexpected ways. Late on Thursday night, I decided to paint "designer" Easter eggs (suprise suprise... Comme des Garçons or Chanel, anyone? haha). As I pulled the eggs from the fridge, I had to think for a second how you're even supposed to make them. Realizing you have to boil the eggs first, I had a little moment. "I can do that," I thought to myself, literally laughing aloud for a sec. Of course I can... my grandma taught me how.

Instantly, I was brought back to my grandma's house. I was ten years old, standing barefoot and leggy in her kitchen. As my grandma prepared my grandpa and I breakfast on that sunny summer morning, she informed me that "Every girl needs to know how to make the perfect egg." I laughed and rolled my eyes, thinking she was crazy. As much of a girly girl as I was, I definitely didn't care if I knew how to boil an egg (much less cook). Despite my protest, my grandma taught me how to boil an egg that morning. And scramble them. And make them sunny-side up. "One day, when you're all grown up... you're going to thank me. Trust me, every woman needs to know how to boil an egg."

Standing in my kitchen (still leggy and barefoot), making my very first batch of Easter eggs in my first place, I had to take a minute to mentally thank my grandma. Not just for the cooking lesson; of course. It runs so much deeper than that. I am thankful for all of the life lessons she has given me. It's bittersweet writing this, because she's still around... she's just been in end-of-life hospice (actually since the day Felipe passed away in January). I haven't been able to bring myself to visit her as much as I'd like, because to be honest, it's just been too painful. The thought of losing someone else close again kills me. She isn't herself anymore... and that really hurts.

I want to take a moment to pay tribute to my grandma, before she's gone. I've told her how much I love her, but there's so much more I need to say. I want to thank her... for keeping my mom's memory alive for me. For telling me endless stories about my mom that I can someday pass on to my own children. For having tea parties with me when I was a little girl, always letting me use her finest china sets and expensive teas. For all the times she let me play with her makeup, before I was old enough to have my own. For teaching me about beauty- the important inner kind- before there was a "Beauty With A Bow." For showing me what a beautiful, healthy marriage is supposed to be, and for loving my grandpa as openly and affectionately as she did. For showing me how love can transcend time, space, and even death. For all the times she made me go with her to Catholic mass, despite my protests. For making me wear dresses constantly, to the point where that's all I want to wear now. For being a wonderful mother and grandmother to a huge family, but always managing to make me feel special. For traveling the world and sharing her experiences with me, passing on wanderlust. For teaching me how to cook, for teaching me how to tie a bow, for teaching me how to tie a tie. For reminding me to say "please" and "thank you," for demonstrating graciousness and kindness.

For showing me how to act like a lady in a world that accepts and promotes less than lady-like behavior.

I am so much of who I am because of my grandmother's influence. This woman is someone I respect with all of my heart. I may not be able to come to terms with the fact that she will not be around much longer, but I do know how much she has touched my life... and somehow, some way I hope that I can touch others through the things she has taught me. That it will all come full circle.

I guess that's what life's about, isn't it?

Week Recap

Such a great week. I'm truly blessed.

Yes, I'm Alive

I believe everything in our life- every person in our life, every relationship- everything is there for a reason. And when you really pay attention, there are certain little clues we get. It’s so crystal clear what the next step is… it’s just this puzzle, and everything is in its right place. And as we grow and take the next step, the dots get connected... and we eventually become who we are meant to be.

Do good, be kind, and do all things with love.

Not Goodbye, But See You Later

Yesterday, I said goodbye to my dear friend, Felipe, after his courageous battle with brain cancer.

 I've written about him before; he inspired me in so many ways. Felipe was kind, vivacious, and a friend to so, so many. He was the one who would BBM me after a rough day. The one who would wrap me in a giant hug every time we met. Felipe lit up the room; I will miss his infectious laugh, his wide smile, he eternal optimism. He truly was one of a kind, and words can't quite describe just how precious of a friend he was to all of us. How lucky we were to share his magic for even just a few years.

A close mutual friend told me something this evening... one of the only things that has brought some comfort in the past few days. "Felipe will live on through us," he wrote. "Everything we do and accomplish will be his accomplishments too. He is a part of everything we do."

And from this point on, he will be.

A Random Thought

 

Sometimes, especially lately, I find myself in awe of the world around me. Don't get me wrong, I worked really hard to be where I am today... personally, professionally, academically. It was all for a purpose; to build a life that I enjoy and was created out of goodness. Isn't that what we all want?

But then I notice this life that surrounds me, and I can't feel anything but absolute gratefulness. I feel so exceptionally blessed. The people and opportunities that have come into my life have been nothing short of amazing, and it's something that I could never take for granted. Taking in each and every moment, feeling the magic of every experience, and simply feeling ALIVE.

Life is a journey, not a destination.

P.S. This cute little guy has been my co-pilot for six years today. :)

Prayers & Thoughts Needed

 

Sometimes we are provided with a reminder of how truly precious life is, and how essential it is to tell others how much you care about them. Yesterday was one of those reminders.

I feel like there are certain people that come into your life and you just instantly know that you will be friends. That's how it was when I met my favorite Brazilian, Felipe. He gave me a kiss on each cheek, called me "my darling," and immediately became my friend. When we used to go out dancing with friends, he was always my favorite dance partner. When I went through a breakup, he invited me over for ice cream. When I couldn't figure out a solution to management science homework, he met me on campus to help out. There are a million reasons why Felipe is one of my favorite friends, but it all boils down to the fact that he has a heart of gold. 

With a permanent smile on his face, Felipe is a ball of energy and the life of the party. He's one of those people that make you feel comfortable just being in their presence, and makes you feel even more comfortable with yourself. Several summers ago, I worried that my dress might be too short as we walked with friends through a grocery store before a night out. "You are gorgeous- OWN your beauty," he told me. That phrase of his always stuck with me- be confident in your skin and embrace the life that you have been given. And that's what Felipe does, living vivaciously in the moment and treating life as a gift. Like a friend said on Facebook yesterday, simply having Felipe as a friend is a gift itself.

With a heavy heart, I ask that you keep my dear friend in your thoughts and prayers. He was very suddenly diagnosed with a brain tumor this weekend, and will have surgery in the coming days. I have no doubt that he will beat this thing, but I truly believe in the power of prayer and positive thinking. Please keep him in your thoughts.

For Music Monday, I am dedicating a song that always reminds me of Felipe. :)

 

What I Know for Certain...

I'm a big believer that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. After numerous conversations with a few wise people, it's become clear that life never pans out the way that we think it will. We are lead in directions that don't always make sense, and sometimes we find ourselves in places that we never intended. This doesn't mean we don't ultimately end up where we want to be, but I think it's safe to say that there's a definite journey in getting to that point.

My first reaction is to make sense of it all. What did I learn from this? How can I grow? Maybe it's how I protect myself from pain, or perhaps it's because I have no other choice. For whatever reason, I try to make sense by attributing it to experience, personal growth, and a path to something greater. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, but hindsight takes time. And hell, it certainly doesn't take away the pain you feel at that very moment.

Quite often, I hear that I have it all and that the world is in my hands. But you know what? I've worked really, really hard to become the person I am today- and my journey is far from over. Life isn't easy. Life is fluid; the only constant is that it is ever-changing. It doesn't matter if you live in a big house or people consider you beautiful, nor does it matter if you have the man of your dreams relentlessly chasing after you. Loss is a continuous theme in my life, so no matter how grateful I was, I always feared that the rug was about to be pulled from under me. That isn't any way to live.

Someone recently helped me re-evaluate my own life, which helped me better identify what I want AND deserve. When someone asks me if I'm happy, I don't want to hesitate for one second. When someone asks me if I'm in love, I want my answer to be "yes" without a beat. More importantly, I want my actions to demonstrate my words. Career, love, family... I want to create a life that radiates love, goodness, fearlessness. There is something to be said about having grace under pressure, something Hemingway ultimately attributed to courage. That's what I hope my legacy will be someday.

I could be angry or fearful because of the loss I've experienced.
I'm not. Instead, I've chosen to be grateful...
for each and every lesson brings me one step closer to where I need to be.

 

 You'd better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking & your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

525,600 Minutes... How Do You Measure a Year in the Life?

Just a year ago, I recall a conversation I had with my dad as I packed for my New Years holiday. With mugs of hazelnut coffee in our hands, we talked about how we suspected that 2011 was going to be a year of change. Change is a funny thing. Quite often, you can feel it coming from a mile away... but somehow it feels substantially different once it actually occurs. Sometimes change blindsides you in ways you never expect. In these moments, it's sink or swim. With arms flailing wildly in those first moments... you somehow manage to keep your head above water, even if just barely. But it's in answering those tough, hard-hitting questions of "What the hell did I get myself into?" and "What the fuck do I do now?" that we shape our lives.

2011 has been the most difficult, challenging and interesting year of my life. There have been many moments this year when I wondered how things could possibly get better. There were also moments of complete peace, wondering how it was humanly possible to be so happy. It's strange how certain memories resonate with quiet magic... ones that are seemingly uneventful, but feel so significant. 

For me, one of these moments was shared on a sunny, warm afternoon this summer, walking through the grass barefoot. I remember the feeling of sheer, simple happiness of just being with someone I care about, wishing that moment could linger on forever. I felt the same way several days ago when I met my baby niece, Zadie, with her little fingers grasping mine. There is something to be said of how incredible it is to have such immediate love for this tiny little person. These are the special moments you look back on and think, wow... THIS is what life is about.

 

2011 was a year of transition, taking big steps when I graduated and began my career. After nearly four years as a preschool teacher whilst in college, I found myself in an entirely new stage of life. The funny part of all of this? My "babies" were the ones that truly prepared me for this transition, more so than any college course or book I've read. They taught me that it's okay to cry when you fall down, because you're a little stronger every time you get back up. I learned the value in asking questions... and lots of them. They demonstrated that, more often than not, you must try (and try again) until you get it right. And most importantly, my students showed me I should never lose my "sparkle."

 

 

I was so blessed to have traveled this year, ringing in the new year at a swanky masquerade in Chicago. I spent my 23rd birthday relaxing on a gorgeous beach in Key Biscayne, dining and shopping in Miami Beach. I went on an unforgettable journey that lead me across the country in a roadtrip with CCB. It was the most crazy, last-minute decision I've ever made... but it's also one of the most worthwhile experiences I've ever had. I've experienced the flashing lights of Las Vegas, the urban grittiness of Los Angeles and the beauty of southern Californian beaches. I spent an unexpected fall day on my own in New York City, trekking through Central Park in my favorite boots and Starbucks drink in hand. In that moment, I felt more independent and comfortable in my own skin than ever.

 

 

 

 

If there is anything to be said about my year, I challenged myself and faced my greatest fears head-on. Life is about making the choice to build a meaningful existence; to stand for something larger than yourself. To evolve with total passion... even when you feel like you're being pulled in a million directions that don't make sense. It's about surrounding yourself with loved ones that bring out the best in you, who cheer you on in the best and worst of times. It's knowing that we are never alone in this crazy life... because it sure is a beautiful, spectacular ride.

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all, when snowflakes fall

I wish you love

xx

Namaste

  

 

I was once told by my stepmom that my gift is being able to find the beauty in just about everything, whether it be in the form of a pair of Choos or a pile of oranges at Whole Foods. ;) Even in the worst of times, I can typically find something that is beautiful. But to be totally honest, I'm having a really difficult time finding goodness right now, despite this being the "most wonderful time of the year." 

That being said, I'm making an honest effort to look deeply into myself for beauty right now. For a very, very long time, I have focused on others and external things to care for, often neglecting myself in the process. While it wouldn't appear that way in a physical or material sense (I certainly more than provide for myself in that manner), my heart has been aching. I have a great capacity to love others, but to love myself? Not so easy. 

My yoga instructor said something so simple yesterday, and yet so profound. Before you take on the weight of the world, you must strengthen your own back (literally and figuratively). In yoga, "namaste" is a term used to acknowledge the soul and goodness of another person... the light within someone else, and the light within yourself. I have been incredibly lucky to have seen the light in another person. That has been an absolute gift to me, one that I am grateful for. But like my twinnn has said numerous times, it is essential that I find the light in Taylor.

I'm the type of person that always has a philosophy on life... about why things happen the way they do, about what the next logical step should be. Well, I don't have an answer this time. I cannot understand why things have happened. I don't know what is to come next. I'm sad and I'm very, very hurt. But I do hold these truths to be self-evident: I have shown love to another human being with complete vulnerability and honesty. I have laughed. I have cried. And I will continue to show love to this world, even when I feel that there is little reason to.

I spent this weekend surrounded by close family, without makeup, wearing sweats, watching old movies. I ran six miles. I took a Vinyasa class. I tried to focus on me, but I don't know when I'll feel better. I'd be lying if I posted one of my typical "Taylorism" bullshit lines, because I don't know what I believe in right now. For now, all I can do is take my life day by day. Pray that I will be happy again. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. But someday. Because like I've always maintained, life is too short to be anything but happy.

Namaste

xx

Grandfatherly Gentility

"A great architect is not made by way of a brain nearly so much as he is made by way of a cultivated, enriched heart." -Frank Lloyd Wright

My grandfather was the epitome of an old-school gentleman; well-dressed, well-spoken, the first to rush to open a door. Despite coming from an affluent background, he came to the United States entirely on his own, building a name for himself as a successful architect. My grandfather did not rely on his family's wealth or name, but rather viewed work ethic and education as a means to success. He was an incredible man with a gentle spirit, and the way he treated my grandmother certainly set the stage for what I would eventually expect from the man in my life. Chivalry is far undervalued in today's society, which makes the gentlemen stand out by leaps and bounds. Chivalry is not entirely dead, and I love that.

This menswear look (via The Style Blogger) absolutely encompasses my grandfather's style, even down to the woven Guatemalan belt. Ah, the sweetness of nostalgia.

Te amo, Papa.

xx

The Bucket List

I get quite a few laughs when I mention that I have a "bucket list" in conversation, but alas, it does exist. ;) Perhaps this is my way of holding myself accountable, but nonetheless, I think it's important to keep my eye on the prize. Even if I don't accomplish half of the things left on my list, I will be content if I can say I've lived a life of humility, a bit of style, and most of all, love.

Get a tattoo

Go on a cross-country road trip

Climb a mountain

Take a picture with a Queen's Guard in London

Sail a boat
Dance in my best dress in the rain
Visit Mackinac Island in winter

Scuba dive the Barrier Reef in Belize
See the Rosetta Stone

Fly a plane
Climb to the top of a lighthouse 
Visit Stonehenge

Travel to NYC on my own

Be a mentor/role model to someone

Attend a masquerade
Take photography classes

Go to Las Vegas

Take photos in a photobooth

Earn a Bachelors degree

Own a quilted Chanel handbag

Parasail in Florida

Drive through Death Valley

Take photos of the Hollywood sign
Do something that scares you

Watch a movie at a drive-in theater

Run a marathon

Swim with dolphins
Take a cake decorating class
Go on a trip by myself & without an itinerary October 2011
Become a "Big Sister" to a needy child
Take Maya's senior photos
Go to Coachella in Palm Springs, CA

Skydive

Marry the love of my life

Become a mother (and an amazing one, at that)

Own a comfortable, beautiful home

Host a Thanksgiving with family and friends

Go on a winetasting in Napa

Get coffee at the first Starbucks in Seattle

See the "Full House" home in San Francisco

See a Broadway musical in New York

Adopt an animal March 2012
Host a fabulous bridal shower for my BFF at Chateau Marmont

Grow a small vegetable garden

Ride in a hot air balloon
Experience España (and refine my Spanish-speaking skills beforehand)

Kiss atop the Eiffel Tower

Lay in the grass in the gardens of Versailles

Ride in a gondola in Venice

Ride in teacups with my future kids at Disney World
Make a significant, notable difference in the life of at least one person
Leave the world a bit brighter than I found it


"Leave a mark they can’t erase; neither space, nor time. 
So when the director yells cut, I’ll be fine. Forever young."

xx

Progression, Not Perfection

I'm an emotional girl; I'm a sucker for sappy girly movies and inevitably tear up in my car after I volunteer at the animal shelter. But despite these things, I always try my best to be strong, to be independent, to show the world that I can handle things on my own. And for the most part, I'd have to say I'm successful when it comes to these things.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and always have. I'm the softest person when it comes to everyone else, but super strict when it comes to myself. Somewhere along the way, I became caught up trying to live up to this standard that I've created. A bit bizarre, considering I'm the one who has set the bar so high. It's a little difficult for me to admit that I don't always have it figured out, that I can't always be perfect. That bad things can happen to good people, despite the fact I'd be the first to tell you "good energy out, good energy in."

Today, I was more honest and vulnerable than ever. To be honest, that absolutely scares me. But it makes me real. Like everyone else, my life isn't perfect, and it won't ever be. I'll achieve everything on my bucket list, and I'll still be searching for ways to improve my life. That's human nature; to struggle, to thrive, to grow. It's what gives meaning to our lives; it's what makes us appreciate the times that are truly amazing.

Practice progression, not perfection.

xx

What I Know For Certain...

Yesterday would have been my mom's 51st birthday. She passed away 20 years ago last month from a malignant brain tumor. She was just thirty. My mom was a force of nature; a woman that left a legacy because of her genuine fire and beauty. Despite the fact that I was just three when she passed, I feel that her story and energy continues to give me strength, even as a 23-year-old woman. This is what her life (and untimely death) has ultimately taught me, and what I try to live my life based on.

Live with intention.
Life is precious. You get once chance... ONE. Make the most of it. My mom is the greatest example of someone that made every single day count. My mom did what she loved; without regret, without fear, without second thought. The world is a great big place that is to be discovered and cherished.

Live passionately.
Feel what brings you fire, what makes you come alive... and then use that as a compass to follow your dreams. Like my mom, I'm a big believer in "do it big, or go home." For me, there is no middle ground; I'll either put my heart and soul into something/someone, or I won't invest anything at all. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and maybe that's put me at a greater risk for pain; but I'm certain that pain is worth the risk of living truthfully and with passion.


Live with heart.
Love is the only thing that makes life worthwhile. End of story.

Live with honesty. 
With truth, there is freedom. Tell people how you feel about them, even at the risk of rejection. Perhaps what is so amazing about my mom's legacy is how she left her mark on such a vast amount of people. I still have strangers approach me and tell me how my mom made a difference in their lives. In the words of John Mayer, "It's better to say too much, than never say what you need to say again."

Live without fear.
My mom lived without fear. This is something I struggle with; being fearful of failure, of intimidating situations, of feeling like I might never amount to enough. Recently, I started to lose these fears by choosing to face them head-on; there's no better way to lose fear than to look it in the eye. Fear can paralyze you from getting what you want and reaching your full potential... and I care too much about my dreams to let that happen.


Live in beauty.
My mom possessed an external beauty that stood out in a room full of people. My grandma loves to tell me the story of how a man once stopped her in the mall to tell her that my mom was the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen. Perhaps what is much more valuable is the fact that my mom possessed an internal beauty that surpassed the external. My mom had been a model in her early twenties, modeling in New York and in California. She enjoyed designer clothes and getting dolled up, but it didn't make her who she was. Her beauty came from the lives she touched as a psychologist, from being a loving wife, from being a devoted mother, from being a friend that would drop everything to help. She found the beauty in this life and embraced it. This is something that I carry with me everyday.

There is beauty in everything... if only your eyes are open to it.

xx

I'm not exactly a big astrology follower, but I liked my little horoscope that popped up when I logged into iGoogle this morning:

"It's challenging for you to operate without a plan because you like to know exactly what you're doing. Now, however, it may be to your advantage to fly by the seat of your pants. It can be scary to make it up as you go along, but your flexibility enables you to take advantage of the moment."

That pretty much sums up my life right now. Learning to love it. Well, kind of... but I'm learning. ;)

xx

See You at the Crossroads

At a crossroads. Three weeks out from my college graduation, and I know things will be changing very, very soon. I can't help but think of the amazing things that await, but there's a part of me that finds all of this a little bittersweet. Praying for good things to come....

Just Move On Up

This blog was once a short-lived way for me to get my thoughts out about superficial interests, and it really didn't turn out to be anything I stuck with. A year ago, my life was completely different from the one I lead today. I was in a relationship of nearly six years, and while I was only 21, I was essentially living the life of a housewife college student. It was comfortable and secure, but I wasn't happy. I'm an extremely passionate person... and that's exactly what I was lacking in my life. My own joie de vivre.

Four months ago, I made the decision to end my relationship. Since that time, I feel like I've made a tremendous amount of growth and change to my life. While it's been anything but easy or simple, I feel like I'm becoming a happier, more complete me... the girl I'm supposed to be. At the end of the day, I've chosen to live my life without regrets and without fear... to embrace change and to find beauty in uncertainty.

Life is too short to be anything but happy. xx

Happy 2010!

It's 2010- can you believe it?!

It's a new year, and with it comes new goals and hopes. One of my goals this year is to blog more often, and use blogging as a way to motivate myself to become more creative in the coming year. I'm hoping to add more content to Beauty with a Bow- not only reviewing beauty products and my favorite things, but also including creative tips to live a more beautiful, happy life. Join me in this journey!
(photo via)