Cozied up on my couch in leggings, my favorite candle burning on the coffee table, my little dog curled up beside my hip... and I can't feel anything but gratitude for the contentment I feel in this simple moment.
I've been doing a bit of reminiscing lately, saving old photos and videos to an external hard drive to make more room on my laptop. As I started going through them, I started to look at my life in a different way; a tapestry of sorts. Piecing the past few years together into a video journey, I found myself putting together so many significant life events... and how every action, every moment had a resulting event that ultimately has led me to this very moment.
It's funny how that happens. A few years ago, I felt nothing short of completely confused on how my life would turn out. But going through these pictures, I see a completely different story. They depicted a skinny, glowing girl that seemingly had the world in the palm of her hand. A comfortable lifestyle, a boyfriend of many years, a degree in the works, nice vacations, a luxury car... looking at this person, I'm amazed at how pulled together I looked. "Wise beyond your years," they'd tell me. Little did anyone know, I was paralyzed by fear and pain.
They say that the loneliest moments can often be in a room full of people, and that describes the life I used to live. I always put on a shiny exterior, always afraid that people might know my secret that I wasn't anywhere near as happy as my Facebook profile might show. Bruises and sadness were well-hidden beneath the makeup and sparkle, and I was willing to go down kicking and screaming if it meant anyone knowing that my life wasn't flawless.
At some point, though, I remember thinking that I wanted my life to feel just as good on the inside as it appeared on the outside. I wanted my life to be genuine, to stand for something greater than myself, to prove to myself that I could do it on my own. I wanted to be in love with my life. It took a lot of courage, but I went after my passion, eliminated the negatives in my life, and worked my ass off. Though I had to pay my dues to get here, I am so grateful to be where I'm at now. I've experienced so much, I've traveled, I've met interesting people... I've created a life that reflects all that is important to me.
I'll be honest, though. The journey wasn't just full of magical moments, even though hindsight often provides heart-shaped glasses. I've had sleepless nights, I've had a couple miserable holidays, I've had my heart broken a few times. I've woken up completely sad, wondering what the hell I'd gotten myself into... wondering why I traded the easy life I used to have for THIS. I didn't always feel strong; in fact, I've often felt quite the opposite (especially when I moved out on my own). Needless to say, I was challenged. But in those moments, I'd tell myself to "feel it all," the good, the bad, the ugly... and know that the beauty and goodness in life will always prevail.
Moments like tonight remind me just how far I've come. It isn't conditional on what I own or what I do, but because I've come into my own and found strength. In giving to others, I've found myself. By creating, I've designed myself. I laugh more than anyone I know, and it's because I've surrounded myself with good people that are equally as passionate. I don't have a void to fill, I have nothing to prove. And oddly enough, I don't feel like I have to do everything on my own now... I'm leaving it up to God. He has brought the people and situations in my life that are supposed to be here at this very moment- and I trust in that with my whole heart; a heart that is stronger and more loving than ever.
My life is real and beautifully imperfect, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't know the light without the dark, I wouldn't feel love if it weren't for the pain. I began the new year with a small tattoo on my rib that reads "feel it all," a reminder to embrace every moment that we are given. And with every moment, I will fight to my last breath do just that.
